The Birds and the Bees
by culturegeek76
Summary: Sookie wants a baby. Eric obliges, through the magic of science. If you hated grade 9 bio, you probably want to skip this. If you like your sci-fi with a side of comedy, you might like it.


The following is based, in part, on real science. The rest is entirely fictional. Please forgive any liberties I've taken with the details.

* * *

In the end, it was ridiculously simple.

Some scientists, decades before, had watched Jurassic Park and taken it to heart.

While trying to save some endangered species of waterfowl, researchers had discovered that the gene pool of the flock was too small. New pairings were resulting in offspring that carried a double whammy of all the worst possible traits – they needed new blood.

Instead of pulling dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes embedded in amber, the scientists went through museum collections of taxidermy birds. They managed to successfully isolate the DNA from a few samples, insert it into the nucleus of a living cell, which could result in new offspring. Those offspring were able to mate successfully with the remaining birds, adding new genetic combinations into the population.

Leapfrogging off this theory, a scientist examined whether DNA could be extracted from the dead cells of a vampire. Inserted into a living cell and implanted into a viable human womb – the first "cloned" vampire was produced.

After a few successful attempts, the researchers tried taking the DNA matter out of sperm cells trapped with the testes of a vampire male. This was inserted into living human sperm, combined in a Petri dish with a donated egg, inserted into a human womb and voila! The first test-tube vampire baby was born.

The procedure had just as many problems as in vitro did for human couples, and cost about four times as much. I couldn't have cared less if it meant giving Sookie what she really wanted.

I had discussed the possibility of adoption with her, using donor sperm, I told her that it wouldn't bother me in the least, but Sookie said she wanted to have _my_ child if she had one at all. When I read about the procedure, I knew that I couldn't deny her this chance.

As it is with regular sexual reproduction, the process was far easier on the male. All I had to do was ejaculate into a cup. Poor Sookie had to take fertility drugs and have a needle inserted into her ovaries, but she never complained. The hormonal swings from the drugs were unpleasant. If I'd thought my wife was stubborn, hot-headed and quick-tempered before, the Gods were determined to show me that she'd been going easy on me.

I spent several months in the proverbial doghouse, never entirely sure what I had done to upset her. I knew that it was worth it though, the look on her face when we had our first sonogram, I'd endure it for years more if it would make her that happy.

It had been a long time since I'd been around a baby, and I must admit, things were done very differently when I had my first children. Viking men had little to do with the process once the act of sex was completed. My main responsibility had been to ensure that my wife and our children were fed, sheltered and clothed.

I would perhaps cuddle them as tiny babes, hold them proudly to show my virility, but that was it. When they were old enough, I might play with the little ones, teach the boys the things men needed to know, and I would deal with disciplinary issues... other than that, my wife did most of the work. That was simply the way things were.

I looked forward to being more involved this time around. I did a lot of reading and researching. I watched lots of videos and movies. I decided that most of these people had no better clue about raising babies than I did, but it did give me some insight into what to expect.

Crying, pooping, squirming, peeing, eating, smelling awful, and sleeping. At least until they started crawling, babbling and then finally talking. Thinking of Pam's smart mouth, I couldn't help but wonder if the former wouldn't be much easier to deal with than the latter...

The pregnancy was fascinating. Sookie's body changed, along with her behaviour. It was almost like the fertility treatments all over again. I took a lot of hits to my arms. It seemed anytime I said anything, she had to smack me for it. At times she became simply irrational. I'm so glad that Pam has no interest in having babies; I can only imagine how insufferable a pregnant Pam would be.

I feel the small bundle in my arms shifting, and look down into the scrunched up face of my daughter. Her eyes are squeezed shut and her toothless mouth is open mid-yawn. She is so tiny and so perfect, and I know she will be beautiful and headstrong like her mother.

I look over at Sookie, who is sleeping peacefully in her hospital bed. She had an easy delivery, no drugs. I think the vampire blood helped. As if sensing my gaze upon her, she opens her eyes slowly and offers me a tired smile.

"Aw," she coos softly. "What do you think your underlings would say if they saw their big bad vampire sheriff holding his itty bitty baby?"

"I think they'd see a man who is far too dangerous to mess with."

"Oh?" She teases, lifting an eyebrow.

"Of course, if any one of them gets out of line, I'll put them on diaper duty," I answer. "A vampire's sense of smell is far more sensitive than a human's."


End file.
